Wives: Spend the rest of your marriage trying to understand the importance of sex in the lives of men, especially your husbands.
You don’t get it.
You will never fully get it.
Even your husband can’t completely explain it.
Yet, God created him to view sex in a different way than you.
And he is not wrong for doing so.
He is not a pervert.
He might seek unbiblical ways to express his sexuality. He might have bought into counterfeit forms of proper sexual expression. He might do perverted things.
Yet his desire for sex and his need for sex is not perverted.
While perverts do exist, and while many men are expressing their sexuality in extremely unhealthy ways, primarily through and because of pornography, when healthy sexuality is called perversion, that in and of itself is perversion.
Men do not view sex the same way as women. There is nothing wrong with the differences. And one is not more holy than the other.
Far too many women enter into marriage understanding there are differences, but never make any effort to explore the differences, never seek to understand their spouse, and often stand in judgment of their spouse assuming the husband needs to become more like the wife.
This is wrong.
If I could only tell wives one thing in regards to marriage, it would be to continually grow in understanding the power of sex to the male mind, especially their husbands. (There are times in which men have a low sex drive. If you are in this type of relationship, read this–Gentlemen, Start Your Engines)
Here are a few thoughts:
1. Sex is so powerful, do not bring it into a relationship until marriage. As I often tell single women, do not sleep with a man until he is willing to die for you. When men engage in sex before marriage, they cannot think clearly enough to make the best decision regarding marriage. Sex is so powerful, it clouds the man’s ability to make a rational decision.
2. Men often feel intimacy through sex. While many women have sex as a result of intimacy, many men feel intimacy because of sex. Every time you hear your husband talk about sex, realize he is actually talking about intimacy. It may not be intimacy the way you think of it, but it is intimacy the way he thinks of it (and remember, neither viewpoint is better than the other).
3. When you reject sex, men feel like you are rejecting them. I’m not saying you are. I’m not saying this is right. But I am saying how it most often is. To reject sex feels impersonal to you, but feels very personal to a man. Yet you should still have a right to reject sex. This is one reason I created the 24-hour rule. It gives the wife the ability to reject sex, but gives the husband a set time frame within which sex will occur. “Not now” is given a time-frame. I’m yet to meet a man who dislikes the 24 hour rule.
4. When sex is not a priority for you, men feel like they are not a priority for you. It’s the same as number 3, but just as important. To the extent you make sex a priority, husbands will feel like you have made them a priority. On a regular basis, I meet women who claim their family is a top priority, but they have not sought to understand their husband’s view on sex. While they might think family is their top priority, their husbands will not feel like a top priority.
5. Because it’s important to me, it should be important to you. We do not have the right to tell our spouses what they can and cannot care about. Even if you don’t understand the sexual needs of your spouse, you still have to care about them. If they care about it, you should care about it.
6. You are your husband’s only proper sexual outlet. This should be his boundary and your encouragement. God created most men to greatly need sex. If God created men this way and allowed you to marry your husband, then he created you to be your husband’s only proper sexual outlet. This is a great pleasure and a great responsibility. While a man is fully responsible for his decision making, it helps to have a partner in the battle against temptation. Women, find out more in the post: This Is Only for Women.
Sex is not everything. It’s not even the most important thing. Yet it is a vital component to a healthy marriage. When a wife makes an intentional effort to understand her husband’s viewpoint of sex, he feels heard, understood, and desired. When she ignores it; he feels ignored.
There are a lot of things I want to tell wives regarding marriage, but if I hard to narrow it down to one thing, it would be this: spend the rest of your marriage trying to understand the importance of sex in the minds of men, especially your husbands.
Ok husbands and wives, what would you add to my list?
For further reading, check-out Kevin Leman’s book Sheet Music.
See: If I Could Tell Husbands One Thing
52 Responses to If I Could Tell Wives One Thing
Beth September 4, 2013
I do understand that God created our husbands to be very sexually active. Bur what can I do when I am faced with living with fibromyalgia. I live in constant pain, especially my hips . I want to have intimacy with my husband, but even when we cuddle, he’s expecting sex in the end. He doesn’t want me to hurt, but there’s not enough painkillers in the world to keep from it. Suggestions?
Kevin A. Thompson September 4, 2013
Beth,
This is a wonderful question. It also illustrates the proverbial nature of this blog. What I say is generally true, but there are clearly situations that fall outside the norm. I would contact a marriage counselor and seek advice. If you live in the Fort Smith region, call me and I can refer you to one. It’s possible they could have several suggestions regarding this issue.
Thank you for the question.
NotReallyMe March 12, 2016
I know this is an old post but I’m commenting on it anyway!
Beth, I kind of understand where your coming from. Even though I don’t have fibromyalgia as you do, I am familiar with it because my mom suffers from it. But I suffer from my own pains, herniated disk and arthritis that is pinching my sciatic nerve in my hips causing pain down my leg that gets so bad it brings me to the floor at times and I can’t walk on that leg at times. As well, my spine’s curvature is opposite of what it should be at my hips, moving up I guess there is a missing disk so that there’s bone on bone, a lot of arthritis for being only 43, I carry stress and tensions in my shoulders and my neck, and have a swollen disk between C5 and C6 and there’s a bone spur in the exact same spot that the disk is pushing on. So, I am in pain every day of my life, but I still like having sex and find that sometimes it can help take my mind of the intense pain. I also like to have “quickies” more often through out the day, but that’s opposite of the way my man has become. We were once on the same page but as we age he likes to make it last longer, (I think this is actually because it just takes longer for him to reach lease) so an hour of sex and trying to withstand the impact becomes quite painful and I’ve never been into pain during sex, but the pain turns me off, so that after 15 minutes I start to dry out and am no longer turned on. And at times lay there praying it ends soon and when it does finally end I feel like I’ve been hit by a Mac truck and am in more pain than what I was before having sex and my vagina is on fire that has required an ice pack! But, regardless of the pain, I still “give in” or uphold to my “duties”, but what makes it harder for me each time is that if its really bad, he just doesn’t accept no and the worse feeling in the world to experience with your husband is to try to pretend your enjoying yourself, while trying to hide the tears coming from your eyes!
John September 4, 2013
My marriage has disintegrated because of this very problem. I have been made to feel like a ‘sex maniac’ for wanting to have normal sexual relations with my wife of 13 years. The flame of passion burned bright when we first met. We had great sex early in our marriage, but as she aged my wife became asexual. The act soon became a chore for her that left me dissatisfied and filled with guilt. I have thought that this is just part of marriage and aging; that the fire dies to nothing but faint embers. More women should read this if they hope to keep their man. Sex is not a ‘tool’ to trap a man and then be set aside. I’m very relieved to see this article which eloquently states what I have felt inside and lived.
Sherry September 5, 2013
Yes, John as people age and hormones lag sex can become a “chore” for both parties. I would encourage both men and women to seek hormone help. It takes a lot of searching, but there are doctors out there now who will help. It does become a “chore” and very painful for a woman to have sex when her vagina has shrunk and is all dried out. Why would you want to do something that HURTS not only during but for days after the act? Mix with that the erectile dysfunction that men start having and most people say ,”why bother”!! With correct hormone therapy you can enjoy great sex once more!!
NotReallyMe March 12, 2016
Wow, John, at first I was feeling empathy for you, that was until I reach the part where you had to say “more women should read this if they hope to keep their man.” I’ve heard many men refer to their penis’ as “tools”, but I haven’t ever heard a vagina being called a “tool” created for the sole purpose of trapping men! If it’s a trap, you think that all men would know this and do what ever it takes to avoid it. Maybe they are catching on and more are choosing to be with other men instead? And in regards to the passion that burned so bright at the beginning, when you first met, came from the “newness”, excitement, anticipations, unknown, and attraction that is experienced at the start of a new relationship, (it is extremely powerful and can become addicting) but then once the woman “traps” a man, there’s no longer the need to go out hunting any more! So both women and men become lazy and because the man’s been he feels there’s no escape and women feel since they caught a man, there’s no longer a reason or need to impress the man, since it already worked! Women get comfortable and can let themselves go and men think they no longer have to impress their wives, because they already did this and it worked, they got them into bed! Even though it’s been 25 years since the day I met the man I would marry, I can still remember and experience those feelings at had for him back then and I soooooo long to have those feelings again. I think this is one of the main reasons that both men and women cheat, is to experience the passion and feel the heat once again! So, just like the fire you start in a fire place or in a pit at a park your camping at, if you don’t want to experience the “cold” or eat your food raw, you do what you have to, to keep the fire burning (cutting wood and gathering it, finding foliage, or buying more lighting fluid from the gas station) because keeping the fire burning is soooo much easier than having to restart it, if you’ve let the fire go out! Problem is, keeping a home warm or making sure there’s a cooked meal to eat becomes the woman’s “job” or “chore” and some men think that since it is, it is then also their “job”, “duty”, or chore to keep and make sure that the fire stays burning, but if there is no wood stocked up in a reserve eventually it will be gone, and the fire (will have no other option) than to burn out!!!!!!
Ed Garner September 5, 2013
Failed to mention how women often use sex (or the withholding thereof) to get their way or what they want. This is not right, either! It makes men feel manipulated and cheap!
Amy Henry September 5, 2013
This stirs up the whole ‘chicken and egg’ thing. What comes first, a woman not wanting sex, or a man not wanting intimacy the way woman feels it? And who ‘gives in’ first to whom? Who’s responsibility is it to initiate?
The answer is both, but if it’s the man who is wanting sex this badly, it only makes sense that he be the one to try to figure out what gets a woman ‘wanting’ it as well. Women are not turned on by a fatso sitting on the couch eating garlic popcorn. Women are not turned on by passivity of any shape, size, or form. Women are not turned on by guilt trips or pity parties.
Sure, we can ‘give in’ or ‘do our duty’ but what man wants that? Gosh, guys, have you tried flirting with your wives? Catching their eye during a party? Watching her make dinner or love on the baby and commented on how beautiful she looked? Are you developed intellectually, are you interesting, are you alive and vibrant with ideas and energy? Because if you aren’t, no woman in the world is going to want to have sex with you. Woo, for heaven’s sake, before whining that she is asexual. I don’t buy that for a living second. If your wife is too bored with you to want sex, at least START with yourself. If she never responds, well, then you have a problem, Houston. But at least look at yourself and say, if I were her, would I want to have sex with me? And if the answer’s, no way, you’ve got some work to do. Light the fire, dudes or quit complaining that there’s no heat!
Kevin A. Thompson September 5, 2013
Well said Amy. It kind of matches my post from last month: http://test.kevinathompson.com/i-wouldnt-sleep-with-you-either/
Amy Henry September 5, 2013
Ha, yes! I’ll go read that.
Sherry September 5, 2013
I would like to add to this Amy. How about having clean hands and a clean penis. Do you know how many infections a woman gets because of this? Men touch their penis to pee with dirty hands then without washing himself off wants to have sex with a woman???? My man will say before he starts touching me. I need to wash my hands or my hands/penis are clean. He knows these are the magic words that make me instantly ready!! This may seem like over kill, but if a man had to suffer through a bladder or yeast infection he would make sure he was clean!!
NotReallyMe March 12, 2016
Omg, Sherry this is a great point! The problem I have a lot, is that my man is a foreman and works with and on Heavy Equipment, (skid loader, backhoe, excavator, and so on) and isn’t afraid to work and get dirty with the labors’ so when he comes home can be dirty from head to toe, his hands are dirty, calloused and stained black, his clothes are filthy and at times can never get totally clean, and he wears blue jeans and sometimes (mostly when its cold) his bibs or cover alls and you know damn well that even if it is cold outside he’s still sweat throughout the day and had to go to the bathroom and since men don’t wipe and their hands are dirty…….. I’m thinking you’d want to take a shower as soon as you got home, but because it’s so late when he gets home the first thing that he does is eat and after he eats he’s in the mood for some desert, immediately but doesn’t have a clue, why you don’t jump when he says “lets go do it” and that you drag your feet on getting you to the bedroom…….hmmmmm? I wonder, why it takes me so long??????
Jeanetta February 9, 2016
spot on!! Great post!!
Walu February 23, 2016
Typical judgmental woman with an attitude problem laying all the blame on “dudes”.
Sherry September 24, 2013
Women experience sex as intimacy as well. To say there is a huge difference between men and women in this regard is not understanding that some men are good at making sex an intimate loving experience and some are not. My husband didnt know how things were supposed to work because he was raised in a very conservative christian private school and never had sex ed. Combine that with ED and PE and you have a very unfulfilling experience for the wife. Then because of pornography he thinks that alternate forms of sex…rather than the way God intended it…should be the answer rather than dealing with his inadequacies. I am sure my experience is not unusual. I had sex with my husband twice when he was asking for a divorce, hoping to spark intimacy. Eventhough we had a great experience, he still wanted me to move out. This is how some christian men are.
Angela February 28, 2014
My marriage is the complete opposite of this. I feel like the man in the relationship! I would like to have sex every day, or at least every other day, but I am often turned down. I am out of ideas to fix it! I shower every day, I work out, I cook, I clean, and work a full-time job outside of our home. It really affects my self-esteem because I can’t figure out why he wouldn’t want to have sex with me. I would want to have sex with me!
Kevin A. Thompson February 28, 2014
Angela, thanks for reading and for the comment. You are not alone. After writing this post, I had so many women contact me that I wrote another post. I hope it is helpful: http://test.kevinathompson.com/gentlemen-start-engines/
Angela February 28, 2014
Thank you for your prompt response. I read the article and I think it is probably number 3. I’m also a little worried about number 4. Unfortunately, I have tried to discuss it many times and I’m not having much luck. We really need to see a counselor, but…well, let’s just say that I’m not the hold-up. I’ve been reading your blogs all day since a friend posted one. I have seen some things that I could change to make my life easier until/if I can convince him to see a therapist with me. Thanks for your writing, and I really appreciate reading about the healthy relationship you have with your wife. It gives me hope!
Kevin A. Thompson February 28, 2014
Thank you Angela and God Bless.
Rebekah November 5, 2014
How is it that men and women can be celibate and happy/fulfilled for decades prior to (or in between) marriages but then suddenly when a man gets married then regular sex becomes a critical priority?
Kevin A. Thompson November 5, 2014
Rebekah, It’s an interesting question. While I think it is very possible to live a happy and productive life with celibacy, I do think the opportunity for appropriate sexual expression and in marriage the actuall command of God to nourish a healthy sexual relationship makes it a top priority.
Sam January 25, 2016
After being married now 13 years here is my best reply from experience which I believe address’s this forthright. When I lived a celibate life all but two of my 28 years prior to marriage to be quite frank, I had singular focus not to have a sexual relationship to be fully engaged with Christ and His direction, His affection, His time, without considering the needs of another nor the intimacy, especially in that depth. Once you have created oneness with your spouse, you continually desire to remain that way, intimate, vulnerable, connected, but outside of physical oneness…well, lets just say something is missing which I believe is by intent. There is also an attraction…could be pheromones, could be just an attraction when you sleep next to your wife each night as well. I can say without doubt that I even have a difficult time sleeping and will find myself up until 2am or even avoid sleeping at the same time rather than deal with the frustration knowing she’s quite clueless and after multiple conversations even so blunt and polite the understanding resulting in change escapes. So, rather than create a stir, I’ll lay there until she’s asleep and fall asleep elsewhere just to evade what becomes a night awake waiting to sleep.Its just not worth losing another night of sleep which I can do nothing to remedy. You don’t have this sort of problem when you’re celibate for sure! Life is very different after marriage, 6 children, and a very busy life. For those believing its simply a shower, courting, a real kiss, time away, lack of connection outside of this aspect, weight gain, poor connection with Christ, wants beyond reasonable expectation I can clearly say….addressed. Sometimes the weight of the world is just an even greater match.
Feeling Lost June 12, 2015
Sex feels like a chore to me. I can’t hug, watch television, or even kiss my husband without it HAVING to lead to sex. Then when I get mad and tell him no it makes me feel bad. I don’t know what to do. I can have sex with my husband all he wants but I’ll be getting nothing out of it. All I want is to be able to watch a movie or lay my head down on my husband’s chest and relax but I can’t. It has to lead to sex every single time. We’ve talked about it many times and nothing has changed yet.
Kevin A. Thompson June 14, 2015
I would find a good marriage counselor to assist you both through this issue. Ideally, you could negotiate plenty of non-sexual touch in the same way I often help couples negotiate sexual touch.
NotReallyMe March 12, 2016
I have to sadly say that I can relate to this, and we’re not the only ones!!! This is a real big problem between men and women in intimate relationships. It is one thing to understand how sex is for men, but it is just as much a man’s responsibility to understand what sex is to women as well. This is a very hot topic that has to be addressed and compromises made. It’s not a bad thing, if snuggling, cuddling, holding hands or kissing leads to sex, actually it’s all the better. But it shouldn’t have to, every single time! Flirting, touching and teasing throughout the time you are able to spend together helps ignite the passion and start the fire! But when it becomes predictable that any intimacy outside of sex, is done only to have sex or the ever popular view of men that if they get turned on, that something HAS TO BE DONE (with it) because it’s the last time they will ever in their lives get turned on again! Please, I promise and guarantee, unless there is a medical condition, you CAN and WILL get turned on again!!! So, being the wife, with the responsibility, you give in, at first to please your man, but when its this way day after day, month after month….they it becomes a chore and usually has a woman, we already have a lot of “chores” that we really don’t need any more!
Sherri October 3, 2015
I’m not even married yet, but I have two kids by my fiancé. We’ve been together for 5 years. I totally agree with you how sex is so powerful and that it shouldn’t be shared until marriage. I no longer anticipate getting married because I feel like I don’t have anything left to give. Sex has become a chore to me now. I feel like I have made the ultimate mistake by putting so much into this relationship. I want a relationship God will honor.
Bob December 19, 2015
“New research is demonstrating what many people already knew from experience: Women lose interest in sex over time, while men don’t. The finding has the potential to help couples, the researchers said. Knowing that many women’s sexual desire diminishes over the course of a relationship could encourage both partners to be more realistic about their sex lives, and could help them weather the changes in desire as they occur.”
http://www.livescience.com/18233-women-lose-sexual-desire.html
Joy January 28, 2016
I’m a wife, and I do get. I really get it. I get it because I am the one being rejected. Have I been cold to my husband and caused him to feel so hurt that he doesn’t want to initiate? No–I always say yes. I am, in fact, a warm wife. This “you were cold and ruined him” argument is so common and so off the mark for me that it acts as another punch to the gut. When you do all the asking and your husband is too tired/ate too much pizza/watches TV into the night instead of wanting a physical relationship it impacts a woman’s self esteem profoundly. Being sexually rejected is not some sort of pain unique to men. Evidently more and more women are complaining of rejection lately. I think it’s not really that more women are experiencing it, it’s just that they are more willing to get out from under the weight of shame we carry for being so “weird” and speak up. Maybe what these cold women need to hear is that there are plenty of women out there ready to go, so they need to step it up.
Scarlett Languini January 28, 2016
I am a woman but I am having this same problem with my male partner. It makes it twice as hard because it is always assumed that it is women that take this role and it’s the last thing you would ever expect from a man. I fail to comprehend how someone feels they have the right to trap you into monogamy and then refuse to have any kind of sexual relationship with you – and when I mean any it is in a literal sense – not diminished sex life zero sex life.
Kevin A. Thompson January 28, 2016
Scarlett, I do believe you have a right to sex. See here: http://test.kevinathompson.com/four-rights-marriage/
Jen February 3, 2016
Scarlett… I’m in the same lonely boat.
Jen February 3, 2016
What if you’re the wife… And your husband doesnt want sex? Everything listed here is me…. Its like roles are reversed. I cant be the only one….
NotReallyMe March 12, 2016
Kevin, I have really enjoyed your blog the past few days after finding it on familyshare.com. I have found your writings interesting and pretty relative to agree with, until I came upon this one! For some reason this one has struck a nerve and is borderline to pissing me off! And I know it’s not all because of what you’ve said or how you said it but is because of of my own relationship and the circumstance/situation that I have found myself in. Guess I’m mad at myself for being in it……So, I’ll stop here and spare you my comment!
Chris July 6, 2016
NotReallyMe, I have read many of your comments. Some I understand, some I don’t. However, my understanding is irrelevant. I realize you posted a few months ago, but if you happen back on this site, I want you to know someone has prayed for you and your marriage today.
Frank April 11, 2016
I understand completely!!!! I’ve been married for nearly 14 years. When my wife and, I were dating we made a pact that we would abstain from sex until married. This was not an easy task for me since I was not a virgin, and she was. I’d had sexual partners in the past, and I just needed to change my outlook on relationships. There were moments when sh wanted to give herself to me, but I resisted, and there were also times when I was getting to passionate, and she needed to resist. After 7 years of dating, and resisting the desire to tear each other clothes off we married. I was so excited, but then everything was not as I thought, we did pre-marital counseling, and one thing that stood out from the meeting was what our idea of sex. I think the issue is with what I see on a daily basis while at work; I’m referring to myself, and not to every other male in the world. I love women who are the following :
A) Confident
B) Assertive
C) Attractive
D) Loving
E) Sexual (with her husband)
F) Godly
It seems that my wife treats sex like a chore, and not a desire. I told her that it’s ok for a man to desire his wife in a loving, intimate, romantic, and sexual manner. However it’s very upsetting when she no longer desire’s me in the same way. I understand that women will not always be available mentally, and physically at a moments notice, but if the only time your going to feel sexual towards your spouse is when I take you on a couples vacation, intimate dinner’s, surprising you with gift’s, and when the stars aligned just right, then this is not something I”m “NOT” happy about.
Brenda May 16, 2016
I have rejected my husband for years. We dated for 6 years and have been married for almost two. I didn’t realize how important sex was to a man and what rejection made him feel. He told me we didn’t have enough sex but I just thought it was for pleasure. I didn’t realize the pain I caused him. He told me he was not happy with me and that this is why. Since then I went to see a counselor and realized that I never felt pleasure from sex because of my association of pleasure with feeling dirty due to childhood abuse. I overcame that but my husband doesn’t know if he wants to work in the relationship. He doesn’t want to go through this again and nothing guarantees that I won’t change back. I reassured him that I won’t because I love him and know this is how he receives love. That we can talk of things aren’t how he wants and we can change to make each other happy. He still hasn’t given me a chance to prove this to him. What else can I do?
Kevin A. Thompson May 17, 2016
Brenda, I’m not sure there is much more you can do. It sounds as though you have looked at yourself, recognized your own issues, and worked on them. I’m not sure what else can be hoped for or expected from you.
Chris July 6, 2016
Brenda, I doubt many women understand how deeply it wounds a man to be turned down by his wife, even if they have read it and understand the words. I don’t know if you have a personal relationship with Christ, but He is the first one I would turn to. I would also encourage you to continue to reach out to your husband. It is likely that his heart will soften and the bitterness that he is likely holding onto will eventually begin to fade. If he is willing, Christ can give him a renewed excitement about your marriage. I hope you will be encouraged to know that statistics show that marriages that work through the tough obstacles are likely to become more satisfying and healthier than when things were easier before those obstacles appeared.
steph June 13, 2016
Im a woman and i feel the exact same when my partner regularly rejects me.
Sometimes after a rejection he rolls over and falls asleep while i lay awake my heart pounding so hard it hurts. Tears streaming down my face i feel so many negative things all at once.
Unworthy, not good enough, disgusting, jelousy of my girlfriends sex life stories, unsatisfied, frustrate, alone, angry and spiteful, hate anxiety.
I understand compromise and ynderstanding is key. We cant get what we want all the time but its destroying my self esteem happiness and our relationship.
I honestly need sex sometimes to bond us back romanticly. But he isnt interested.
Makes me want to cheat to be honest but i know deep down i wouldnt enjoy it because in my heart id be wishing it was my partner loving my body and not anybody else.
Im really at breaking point.
Morgan July 21, 2016
I would LOVE for my husband to want to touch me in any way, shape, or form. After an affair, he has yet to respond to anything I do. Blames it on me. Blames testosterone. Blames being tired. He hasn’t touched me in over 4 years. I’m ready to call it quits. He’s completely disobeying scripture.
Maria August 4, 2016
My husband rejected me sexually for years. I was a normal and healthy woman, LONGING for good sex, yet he put me down, told me I wad a nympho and a sick dirty wacko abd to go to q doctor to solve it. He hurt me every day with his rejection. I saw how much he loathed me in his eyes. Eventually I stopped asking for sex abf looking for his embrace, knowing he loved me in other ways but he simply despised me in bed. This made me lose a LOT of power, now I’m only good for working and I utterly despise my life. I don’t feel like a woman anymore, just a piece of trash.
Well, now he wants HIS sex, but I can’t, it only hurts to be with him. It Hurst ad if he’s really raping me. It’s a horrible feeling. But he now wants that I “go back to normal”. He tells me he’s sorry, he didn’t mean these things he told me, he was depressed, he was a jerk… but I’m not recovering, it’s been two years but I just don’t recover any sexual attraction for him. I just can’t have sex with him, I just remember how much he despised me for having sexual desire for him, it doesn’t go out of my head. Now he threatens to leave mr because I’m damaged goods and he deserves better. I probably am. I don’t feel sexual attraction for any man anymore and honestly I really don’t wish to live. I’m drinking and crying as I write this. I know I would have made a wonderful and sexy wife for a man, a very good wife, but life thought otherwise for me. Life gave me a loser for a husband and made me a loser as well. I’ve been castrated by him, literally. He looks like a yihadist to my eyes. I just hope I die soon.
Canlovethatslostbefound September 21, 2016
I have sex with my husband almost everyday. I was happy for a while, after a cheating scandal two years ago. Now I have learned that he is trying to contact other women again for the past year. He has taken a liking to some of my family members and old friends in pictures ( if you catch my drift). As I confronted him to this devastating action, he feels distraught, ashamed, and embarrassed. I’m not sure if he is purposely ruining our marriage or has a lack of self control. What I don’t understand is why is he not satisfied with my constant love making. I feel disgusted although I don’t like to show it, because I assume it won’t resolve anything. Any tips to my problem? Or am I hopeless?
Kevin A. Thompson September 21, 2016
A few thoughts: The two of you need help to get through this. His issues have very little to do with you or your sex life. There is probably a cycle of addiction, shame, and guilt at play. He needs to learn how to cope properly and to deal with the real issues which he is trying to deal with through sex.
Felicia November 4, 2016
I’m the wife , and yet I feel like this article is saying how I feel ! My husband is the one who rejects me . Tells me “sex is a WANT not a NEED ! ”
Yet it really is a need for a marriage ! It’s a fundamental part of marriage !
I hate reading most of the comments from the article , I see a lot of woman or wives are the same as my husband . I guess we took on reverse roles . Sex is beyond just pleasurable, it’s bonding the outlet not just for a man or husband but a wife as well . We were made to be one and enjoy each other in a way no one else gets to. It brings the bond of love closer ! And it sure does feel personal when someone in a marriage is being rejected ! I love that idea of a 24 hr rule . But don’t think I can talk him into it .
Good article !
Lordhealmymarriage November 7, 2016
How does a wife freely give her body to her husband, when she is living in an abusive marriage? Sex is very important to my husband, as you mentioned. However, he is not bonded with me. We have been married tor 40 years. Our first 32 years were awesome. However, “The last 9 years have been Hell”, to quote my husband. I find it hard to give me body to my husband when it does not feel like he really loves me.
Kevin A. Thompson November 7, 2016
I would say she doesn’t. There is no way to give your body to someone you don’t trust and abuse destroys trust. I would say you need to seek counseling immediately.
Fan December 13, 2016
I think most people starts out great, then things change as time goes by. Men and women are faced with every day problems whether it be work issue, financial issue, under too much stress family problems and so on. People can get unhealthy under these circumstances. So it is very important to balance life, and form good living habits. This is important because only by taking care of ourselves first, can we care for our spouse. My wife and I started out great too, until she started college two years ago. English was a second language for her so it was even more difficult for her. She started taking 4 classes per semester and she really worn herself out quickly. Naturally, she doesn’t have the energy or the drive left for me when I get home after a day of work. often she doesn’t come home until very late. I started getting rejected for sex more and more, and boy I certainly felt the pain. I do the house work, cook the dinner and get the grocery every week, but in the end she did nothing to change after two years. I guess completing her education was more important than family and I think that’s a big issue with priority. We ended up damaging our relationship because of fights and argument over time. Right now she told me she would only take 2 classes next semester, but I had lost that trust in her and I too hope she realize what she was sacrificing is far more important than anything in the world. From this I hope to convey the message that family is always more important than anything else. Learn to balance life, take care of our own and take care of our spouse will form the basis of a happy family. When people get their priority wrong and hurt their family, nothing else will go well. Everything flourish on the basis of a successful family. No matter what happens out there, the feeling of knowing you got a warm home and spouse to go back to every day is priceless. I hope any new couples would understand this and do everything you can to hold on to that great feeling you started with and maintain it every single day.