It happened three times last week. A couple called, the date is quickly approaching, and they wanted to know if I could do premarital counseling.
There has been a clear shift over the last decade where more and more couples expect to do premarital counseling. It is a wonderful transition. I prefer pre-engagement counseling to premarital counseling, but the latter is far better than nothing.
As a pastor, I’m thrilled couples are asking for help before they discover the difficulties of marriage. Any form of counseling before and during marriage can have positive impacts on a relationship. (See: You Aren’t the Perfect Couple)
Yet I told every couple last week what I tell every couple who calls for counseling, “No.”
I do not do premarital counseling. I don’t do it because I’m not a counselor.
I’m a pastor. As a pastor, I have some training in counseling, but not enough to be a licensed professional. While I can listen, offer pastoral advice, and often help people in a variety of situations, I cannot offer a level of service which I believe is most beneficial to couples considering marriage.
Why call a pastor for premarital counseling when you can call a professional? While I might be better than nothing, I’m not as good as you need. (See: Love Your Friends, Don’t Listen to Them)
It hasn’t always been this way. When I first graduated seminary, I did what I was told to do—I offered premarital counseling to couples. But over my first few years of ministry, I realized how out of place I was. While I had a good marriage, a broad overview of Biblical teaching, and a general knowledge of what makes most marriages work, I did not have a key skill which is necessary for effective counseling.
My relationship with marriage is much like my relationship with golf.
I don’t give golf lessons. While my handicap puts me in the top percent of golfers and while I can see what is wrong with the swing of many golfers, I’m not the person someone should turn to when trying to improve their game. I can give advice, but nearly all advice is based on what I think makes my game work. Why would someone call me when they can call a pro?
A golf professional has the ability to take a person’s personal swing and make it better. They can take who you are and make it better. I only have the ability to compare your swing with mine and tell you how they are different.
The same is true with marriage. A pastor has an ability to give advice, to give Biblical direction, and to point out obvious problems. But a professional counselor has the training and education to delve into deeper issues. While a pastor sees symptoms, a professional counselor can often unearth causes.
As a pastor, I see myself like a triage nurse. I’m often the first call couples make when trouble occurs. My job is to evaluate them and get them with the right specialist to solve their problem. When it comes to counseling before marriage, couples do not need a pastor. They need a licensed marriage therapist. (See: The Number One Cause of Divorce)
It’s good to talk with a pastor in addition to marital counseling. We can help formulate a Biblical foundation for the relationship and can encourage important steps to a healthy spiritual life. But meeting with a pastor should never replace true counseling.
Most pastors are great. They are knowledgeable and passionate about relationships. They can give good advice, put on wonderful conferences, and write good books. We provide a great service to couples in order to get them the help that the need. However, we are rarely the help they need.
If you don’t want me to perform your surgery or be your advocate in a court of law, why would you want me to do your premarital counseling? You don’t. I’ll talk to you, pray with you, perform the wedding, and write about ideas which can help your marriage. I don’t have the training or education to be your counselor.
For more, see:
What to do if Your Spouse Refuses Counseling
13 Questions to Gauge if You Need Counseling
7 Responses to Never Call a Pastor for Premarital Counseling
Brian Ramirez March 26, 2014
Pastor Kevin,
I have to humbly disagree with you on this. And perhaps this is because we may define what a ‘counselor’ is (especially in your role as a pastor). Another caveat to the context of this is that the couple(s) who came to you for premarital counseling may not have been members of your fellowship/congregation (or flock). So I’m going to take this at face value given the information that I have.
I also will submit that there are different thoughts or ideas on what counseling looks like in the context of the local church. Some take the more secular approach that, ‘if I don’t have a degree, training, a certification, etc. in this field of study then I have not business walking down this path’ (especially with a couple’s trust with their future marriage). On the other end of the spectrum perhaps, some believe that everything needed for counsel can be found in the Bible (e.g. Jay Adams and some Neuthetic counselors). While I believe there is a sincere concern from both of these camps, like many other things, there is usually a balance or middle-ground between these two areas.
I noticed the word ‘Never’ was used in the title of your blog. This was very convicting to my heart because of your position and God-given privelage that you are in by the grace of God. Yes, you are a Pastor. Yes, you are one who ‘must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, resptectable, hospitable, able to teach, not a drunkard, not violent but gentle, not quarlesome, etc… (1 Timothy 3:1-4). But the synonmus term for Pastor (or Elder) is also overseer. The image given numerous times in the Bible is the overseer acting much like a Shepherd (Acts 20:28; Ephesians 4:11; 1 Peter 5:2; Psalm 23). God has called specific men, for a specific purpose, with specific abilities (gifts), to serve in this specific role as a Pastor/Elder and/or Overseer (Shepherd).
And my defense for which I stand on is the Word of God that we have been given, which reveals God’s perfect will and purpose in life. While it certainly does not describe every single detail of our life, I believe it (as I’ve heard it described) provide tracks, much like a train track on which provides our course through life. If a train (our lives) didn’t have a track from which to move upon, the train would simply spin its wheels digging itself into the dirt or mud, sinking deeper and deeper into the marr of disparity. But God is not a god who leaves his people like that. God is the Holy God who has revealed himself and his purpose (including what marriage should look like) in his Holy, and Inspired Word.
Pastor, I believe I can understand to a degree where you are coming from in your blog. No, you may not have received formal training to be a counselor (by this world’s standards), but you have been given authority as a Shepherd, to guide your flock. My heart is sincere when I write this because it really bothers me that churches are full sheep that need men of God such as yourself to guide them. Churches need both love and discipline at different times. Churches need counselors who will shepherd them by the wisdom given by the LORD. Thank you for taking the time to read my reply. Please reconsider your position on counseling.
James 1:5 – ‘If anyone lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives it generously to all withouth finding fault, and it will be given to you’
In His Firm Grip,
Brian Ramirez
Kevin A. Thompson March 26, 2014
Brian, I don’t think we are far off. I clearly believe in the role of a pastor and believe we can provide a valuable service to those who are considering marriage. My fear is that when people call me and no one else for marriage counseling. I can give Biblical direction which is very helpful, but I also believe every couple should sit down with a professional marriage counselor for at least 3 sessions. Maybe my article sounded too much either/or when I meant it to be both/and.
Brian Ramirez March 27, 2014
I truly appreciate your response and clarification. I think it was the word ‘never’ in the title that caught me off guard. Hope all is well back in Arkansas. Take care.
pk March 31, 2014
Pastor Kevin,
I highly recommend you read the book “Competent to Counsel,” by Jay Adams. Licensed therapists/counselors generally don’t rely on God’s Word as the basis for the counsel they give. I would argue that not only can you counsel, you should! Rom. 15:14 “Now I myself am confident concerning you, my brethren, that you also are full of goodness, filled with all knowledge, able also to admonish one another.” (NKJV).
Kevin A. Thompson March 31, 2014
PK, thanks for reading and for the response. I fully believe a pastor should give pastoral direction and Biblical advice. My thought is that this should be done in addition to premarital counseling. I’ll take a look at the book. Thanks.