In a healthy marriage, the greatest aspect of sex is giving pleasure.
Nothing epitomizes the highest ideals of Christian marriage as each spouse submitting their own desires in an attempt to give pleasure to the other and all within the confines of a committed, life-long relationship.
It’s the highest idea, but it’s not the norm. (See: Are You Having Enough Sex?)
In too many relationships, sex becomes the symptom of a broken relationship. Feelings are hurt; intentions are questioned; trust is destroyed; and each partner begins to look out for him or herself at the expense of the other.
Consider the two contrasts:
In one relationship each spouse submits their own desires to the desires of the other in a hope to give pleasure.
In the other relationship each spouse demands their own desires at the expense of the other in a hope to get pleasure.
Of course the result is that when each spouse attempts to give pleasure rather than seek it, they both give it and receive it.
When each spouse demands to receive pleasure rather than give it, neither give or receive.
Submission is risky business. Whenever we put the well-being of another above ourselves, we run the risk of someone taking advantage of us, exploiting us, and taking us for granted.
It’s a way of life into which no one should rush. There is too much pain and evil in the world to quickly submit yourself to someone else. This type of relationship should only be pursued as trust is established and one’s heart has been fully shown.
Yet no sexual relationship should exist except one built on mutual submission. (See: Three Types of Sex Every Married Couple Should Have)
This is why sex should be saved for marriage. It’s only after a person is found worthy of me devoting my entire life to them that they should become the object of my sexual desire.
Once trust is built and commitments are made, a couple should then pursue after a relationship in which sex becomes about giving pleasure to the other.
It never starts there for a man. It might for a woman, but never for a man. A sexual relationship always begins for a man with the man thinking of his own pleasure. But as he matures and experiences the joy of bringing pleasure to his wife, his attitude and desire should change. (See: What Your Husband Wants From You In Bed)
As he begins to desire fulfilling his wife’s desire, his wife can let down her guard and begin to submit her desire to his. When both spouses make the pleasure of the other their highest goal, sex reaches a new level of intimacy and meaning.
This should be the pursuit of every couple.
No couple will ever fully arrive. If you ever think you have sex (or any aspect of marriage)Â figured out, something will happen to bring you back to earth. However, you can make progress. You can grow and mature in experience and understanding so that seeking the pleasure of the other is the highest goal. (See: What I Tell College Students About Married Sex)
Sadly, many couples never reach this level of sexual intimacy because they give up. They either settle into a one-sided sexual relationship which ignores the pleasure of one spouse, or they devolve into a sexless marriage where neither spouse is finding any satisfaction. This is an unacceptable outcome. Unless there is an unusual circumstance, a couple should never accept a sexless or ‘hardly any sex’ relationship. It was not God’s design and it is not his intent.
Notice the travesty which is a sexless relationship. Not only is a spouse denied sexual pleasure, but they are also denied the greatest aspect of sex—giving pleasure to their spouse. When marriages do not focus on pleasing one another, they can only devolve into focusing on getting pleasure for self. The result is failed intimacy, selfishness, a lack of service, abuse, manipulation, and an absence of love. (See: I Wouldn’t Sleep With You Either)
But when a couple experiences the joys of pleasing one another sexually, not only does their intimacy grow, but also that joy ripples into every other area of life.
It’s a funny thing about sex. After sex, I’m more likely to clean the kitchen, mow the yard, watch the kids, etc. I don’t mean to be more willing to do those things; I simply am more willing. The reason? Sex connects me with my wife which causes my brain to think more about what would bring her pleasure. And sometimes picking up the dirty clothes from around the bed brings her as much pleasure as anything which might happen in the bed.
While it should never be the intention, finding ways to please your spouse outside of the bedroom makes it more likely your spouse will find ways to please you in the bedroom. It’s not a quid pro quo; it’s simply the development of thoughtfulness and affection which influences every area of the relationship. (See: ‘Please’ and ‘Thank You’ Matter as Much as Sex)
The greatest aspect of sex is not receiving pleasure, it is giving pleasure. When a couple can submit their own desires in order to fulfill the desire of their spouse, they will find a deeply meaningful sexual experience. It’s a truth only the most committed of couples could ever know.
For More, See:
This Is Only for Women, Men Shouldn’t Read
21 Responses to The Greatest Aspect of Sex (or What a Horny Teenager Could Never Know)
John July 30, 2014
So, Kevin… Do you have any personal experience or knowledge of sex outside of “legal” marriage? Do you think you know what lights everyone’s fire, and that it is a universal paramount appeal?
In other words, besides ancient hearsay and modern,questionable anecdotal evidence, do you have any idea what the hell you’re talking about?
Kevin A. Thompson July 30, 2014
John, yours is a fair question. On a regular basis I sit with individuals, couples, and families discussing these issues. I hear of their struggles and the consequences of bad decision making. I also have read the studies which regularly report that happily married couples experience a higher sexual satisfaction than other people. So, in short, I have a lot of experience in this area. Having answered your question, let me ask you one–if my premise is true, would you be willing to admit it? If sex was proven better within the confines of marriage, would you admit it or who you deny it? I could be misunderstanding your tone, but it sounds as though you are guilty of the very thing you are accusing me of–making a snap judgment based solely on your own beliefs.
John August 22, 2014
Kevin. I’m afraid that the only premise in your article boils down to you making a blanket statement about something you do not know about. Everyone who has ever truly made love knows that sex is better within the wonderful landscape of Love. But within the confines of some legal document?
As someone who has had many sexual partners, I can say that what satisfies me has changed as I’ve grown older. Early in youth, voracity was king, as my body wanted to spread my DNA to as many woman as it could. (This is simply biology, but unfortunately some people try to shame others for the drive God gave them.) Now that I’m a middle-aged man, satisfaction comes from the gift and trust my partner gives me. I am wholly satisfied. I could not possibly want or need more than she gives me. Are we married? No. Will we ever be married? Yes, we are engaged. Why do I want marriage with her? Because she satisfies my soul, and I don’t want or need more. I know this because I know her sexually. I have no doubts I will serve her to the end of my days, and this knowledge comes in part because we’ve had such expansive, wonderful lovemaking (that has not faded) which has brought us to this connecting closeness.
Now let’s turn to your opinion: What you’re basically saying is you don’t have any experience outside of listening to people tell you about their problems.. and some surveys that you say “regularly report that happily married couples experience a higher sexual satisfaction than other people.” What other people? Unhappily married couples? The people who come to you with their problems?
Let me ask you this: Are you approached by young, unmarried people who want to tell you about how great the sex is with their partner? No, you’re not, possibly because those people know you would judge them, and possibly because people don’t go reporting to ministers their sexual conquests. No, people talk to you about sex when things aren’t going well. And I imagine if you were being honest, most of the complainers who come to you are married.
John August 22, 2014
Also, I will say that “the pleasure of the other” is both mine and my unmarried partner’s highest goal. (Well, sometimes you have to get yours, which makes us both very happy when we recognize the other’s attempt to do so.) This has zero to do with a marriage license and ceremony — it has to do with Love.
I think what my complaint boils down to is that your idea of great sex is very narrow-minded and legalistic. It tries to put Love inside a box. My friend, God and Love is all around us, not inside a box!
1st John 4:8 says God is Love. What a beautiful expression and what brevity!! I am here to tell you that Love is not confined to any legal document or church status. Love flows through us from God; it does not require hiring you to give some “I do” service before it can happen.
AJCD July 30, 2014
“Once trust is built and commitments are made, a couple should then pursue after a relationship in which sex becomes about giving pleasure to the other.
It never starts there for a man. It might for a woman, but never for a man.”
I would like to know A) why this is helpful to say, and B) why it is helpful to say it in such absolute terms.
Throughout our dating and engagement, my then-boyfriend/fiance was the best possible steward of both his passions and mine that I could have ever imagined. His kisses, hand-holding, and every other touch (we were fairly conservative with what we allowed, even through our engagement) communicated his honor for me and his delight in making me feel good, both. I always felt cherished and put first, even very early on. And then on our wedding night he put my pleasure before his to such an extent that I nearly wept over the overwhelming beauty of receiving such a gift.
I recognize that my experience is at least somewhat unusual, but I have to wonder if the pervasive teaching that it CAN’T happen is part of the reason why it so often DOESN’T.
Kevin A. Thompson July 30, 2014
AJCD, great question. This was in part, a reference to early sexual experiences which are often pleasurable for the man and not for the woman. It also recognizes that as sexual awareness awakens for a man, it is such a powerful force that it is near impossible for a young man not to be completely focused on himself and his sexual desire. Whether or not that line adds to the whole article, that’s a fair question. Thanks for reading.
AJCD July 30, 2014
…however, I really like most of this article!
LatterDay Marriage July 30, 2014
It isn’t just horny teens that don’t have that figured out. A lot of spouses have no idea how much their own spouse would love to see them sexually fulfilled in their marriage.
Kevin A. Thompson July 31, 2014
Great point.
John August 22, 2014
Perhaps I’ve misunderstood your inaccuracy. The primary inaccuracy seems to be that something magical happens to the Love between two people when they say “I do.” First and foremost, over half of marriages should tell you otherwise (and do you think any of those people thought they’d get divorced on their wedding day?). Secondly, the less-than-half that remain who have another 50% or less sexual satisfaction rate should clue you in to the cold, hard truth: Marriage does not provide any better landscape for sexual satisfaction than anything else.
What provides that landscape is love. Love is an action, a choice, and a power that flows through us from God. It is so much better to love than to be loved that I’m surprised it even has to be listed in the “Prayer of St. Francis” By loving others we not only allow God/Love to show itself and bless others, but we are immensely blessed from its action. At least I am..and I know a few people who feel the same way.
Some public expression of a decision to never sleep with anyone else (which most people who get married make and most people who get married fail to do) is not the Pinnacle of Love and does not make sex better between two people. All the sexless marriages without infidelity should prove it: just because you publicly commit to fidelity doesn’t mean sex is or gets more satisfying.
What would serve you better, Kevin, is to focus on growing Love between people who have taken the plunge or are thinking about it. Rather than taking legalistic stabs at people you think are doing something bad, you should be building them up telling them there is a Higher Love to be had, in case they don’t already know. It seems what you’re really doing is trying to confine God/Love to something within your limited personal experience.
Love is the Pinnacle. Marriage is a side-effect.
Kevin A. Thompson August 22, 2014
John, you assuming I define marriage as something the state authorizes with a sheet of paper at the conclusion of a ceremony. That is far to limited a definition of me especially since I disagree with the way many states define marriage. You are right, a document does not provide any better landscape for sexual satisfaction than anything else. However, there is little to no debate among those who work with couples that a true life-long commitment between two people does provide a better climate for sexual satisfaction. Clearly there are exceptions, but the general rule applies.
Two other thoughts: 50% of all marriages do not end in divorce–that’s a myth. And, it might be better to love than be loved, but it’s impossible for me to know since I love in response to God loving me first. I’m always the responder because of Him.
This post was not a legalistic stab. To read it as so is to read into something I didn’t write.
John August 22, 2014
No need to go into your opposition to same-sex couples marrying. As comedian Zach Galefianakis says, what should be illegal is gay divorce! Then we’ll see how keen they are on marrying one another. 🙂
Kevin, we are on the same team here, I think… I’m talking about Love, you preach about Love, yet the only response I get from you fails to mention a word about it! No matter what your idea of marriage is, the permeating thing involved is Love. And it is in Love that we find the highest form of sex. I don’t think that’s arguable. If it is, let me know…
Your worldview does seem to be edging on legalism in this area. I know you do good things for the community, but I’m here to tell you that posts like this isolate you, and in my humble opinion they serve neither God nor your church (again that’s only my opinion, no offense meant).
If I were you, I wouldn’t want to be a torch-carrier for legalism… I would want to be a representative of Love. Trying to preach to the choir (who have nearly all done what you’re preaching against) is a little futile, don’t you think?
John August 22, 2014
Further, your reply about the only reason you love others is in response to God loving you first (as if you don’t want to love others or cannot love separately from a command from God) degrades my view of what Love is. We may be called to Love others (I know I am) but I do not do it out of obligation: I do it out of Love. And I am rewarded for that effort, which makes me want to do it more. We’re pretty simple, us humans: give us a reward and we continue to do said action. However, something deep inside me knows I’m doing good when I show Love to others. Likewise, something deep inside me knows I’m doing something good when I truly make Love to my woman, with or without a marriage license. I can only imagine all the marriages out there with unsatisfying or bad sexual habits.. thank goodness I’m not in one, and instead am in a completely satisfying unmarried sexual relationship!
Love is all there is. God is love. The marriages you perform are just pony shows. Love is what matters. You know this, Kevin.
MG April 26, 2016
I am parying for you, John.
MG April 26, 2016
*praying