Parenting adult children differs from parenting small children.
As the father of a 5 year-old and 8 year-old, my job is not easy, but it is simple. I am always involved in their lives.
- Many times I must prevent bad decisions before they take action.
- Other times I allow the child to make a bad decision but them make sure they experience the negative consequences of those decisions.
- On occasion, I have to invent negative consequences to clearly communicate the decision they made was not wise.
Rarely do I have to wonder:
- Should I say something?
- Should I stay out of the issue?
- Is this my business? (See: Help! My Sibling’s Addiction is Killing My Parents)
With small children, it is always my business.
This is not true with adult children.
As children grow into adulthood, the role of a parent changes. This leads to one of the great joys of parenting—being the friend of an adult child.
Yet it leads to one of the great frustrations of parenting—having to mind your own business.
When it comes to parenting an adult child, a parent no longer has the authority or responsibility to make decisions for a child, ensure they experience the negative consequences of their bad choices, or to prevent them from making bad choices.
A parent of an adult child does not even have the guaranteed right of giving their opinion without being asked.
As children grow, responsibilities change. Embracing the new responsibilities as a parent of an adult child is vital for the child’s development, the well-being of the parent/child relationship, and the mental health and satisfaction of the parent. (See: What Every Mother-in-Law Should Know)
When a parent fails to understand their new role and continues to parent as they always have:
- the child may fail to mature
- the child can be enabled to continue bad behavior
- the child will often grow resentful of their parent
- the child’s marriage/relationships will suffer
- the parent/child relationship will fail to grow as it is should
- the parent can become too enmeshed with the child
- the parent can lose their own identity
- the parent can miss a fulfilling season of life
So what can a parent of an adult child do?
Parents of adult children can:
Model correct behavior. The most powerful too for any parent is often overlooked. Modeling look behavior is the best thing a parent can do whether their child is 2 years-old or 62 years-old. Nothing is more influential than a good example. Make good choices. Exhibit good behavior. Do the things which you hope your child will do. (See: How Parents Influence Their Children)
Give your opinion when asked. If a healthy relationship has been established with the child and trust is proven, children will often ask their parents for advice. Many parents are never asked, because they rush to give their opinions. In so doing, they miss the chance to influence their children. An opinion given without invitation is often wasted. Wait until they ask and then gently share what you think. (See: Everyone Has a Right to Ignore Your Opinion)
Ensure they aren’t enabling bad behavior. The worst thing a parent can do for an adult child is to enable their bad behavior. By always removing the consequences of their choices or continually bailing them out of trouble, well-intended could be doing great harm to their kids. While a parent never has to add negative consequences to their adult children, they should allow their children to experience the natural outcomes of their choices. Part of being an adult is taking care of yourself. Parents of adult children must allow their children to take care of themselves. (See: A Parent’s Most Effective Tool in Discipline)
Love them. No matter what choice a child makes, they are always your child. Clearly communicate to your child that you will always love them. Work harder to communicate your love than your opinion about a particular issue. Most of the time, a child knows when they have disappointed their parent. What they often question is not your opinion, but your love. Make sure they never have a reason to question whether or not you love them. It is important to make sure love is not confused with enabling. Remember: Love Doesn’t Always Feel Loving.
Parents often fall for the deception that parenting gets easier with time. Rarely is that the case. Parenting is difficult at every age, yet is also rewarding. In each season of life, a parent needs to discover what their responsibilities are and do their best to do what they are supposed to do.
36 Responses to Parenting Adult Children Who Make Bad Choices
Angie July 2, 2013
What if your adult child is addicted to drugs and alcohol?
Kevin A. Thompson July 2, 2013
Angie, This will lead to another blog post, but my first thought is: I would work hard to figure out what the most loving action I could take toward them with a special emphasis on never enabling their activity. Loving without enabling would go a long way.
Jordan Cross July 2, 2013
What about when the father (or step father, in this case) is a non-Christian and feels no moral or spiritual obligation to continue loving an adult child in lieu of their decisions and the mother is a Christian who is claiming that to honor her husband the way the Bible commands, she cannot continue loving her child in lieu of those decisions?
Kevin A. Thompson July 2, 2013
I have a difficult time believing the Bible would call you not to love your children. I would seek a way to honor your husband and love your child.
dennyneff July 6, 2013
My dad was a mean drunk. Our home life was very abusive and cause me many challenges. My dad is dead, but my mom stood by and did nothing to stop the abuse and often contributed to it. I love both parents. I didn’t to too good a job reaching out to my dad, but I have reached out to by mom. I call her, I’ve let her know that I have forgiven them both. through maintaining that relationship with my mom, she has accepted Christ as her personal Savior, was baptized about 10 years ago. I tell her that I need to honor her and that I love her. That she is and always be my mother. Our relationship is now wonderful all because God is faithful and His Word is True. Love is the answer and as the Bible says, “God is love…”
I want to echo what many have expressed, thanks for being my Pastor. I know that it’s God who is at work in all of my life and He’s working it out for His Glory.
lori-ann drew December 17, 2013
Ok pastor,
I get it,, but,,what do you do when your daughter is an addict, a mother, and a codependant in a horrible relationship? She then calls you often to cry about how horrible and hopeless her life is. You the parent tries to be supportive in telling her that only she has the power to change it, then you afford her with brochures on meetings, counselors etc. She seems to do well for a short time and you try to praise her better choices and continued success,,,then she takes leaps backwards and the cycle repeats itself. You the parent, then come to terms with enabling and cut them off financial,,,with the exception of providing for your grandchild, you even move 1200 miles away to enjoy your, ” seasoned years.” But your child still calls with fits of anger,rage and despair,,,as a parent you are crushed at the constant derailment. It’s like running a train down a track with no turning capabilities,,,it’s bound to run the same track,,until the conductor fixes the steering. It’s so frustrating!!! I just want to hop on the train, rattle the conductor and scream in her face to fix the damn thing first before the next trip!
Kevin A. Thompson December 17, 2013
Lori-Ann, those are great questions. I can’t fathom what it must be like as a parent. By no means do I believe their are simple answers and unfortunately, you can do very little to change your child–that is their choice. I think your last line states it well. The one thing I think you can do is to do everything in your power to love your child without being ruled by them. That’s probably a lesson which every parents takes a life time to learn.
Deanna December 29, 2013
My soon to be 21 year old son is dating a 16 year old girl. Both are Christians and really good kids. I have no issue with the girl except the age difference. I worries me that he could end up in trouble if she got mad at him for some reason. All she has to say is that he touched her. He would be headed to jail. Our family has shared our worries and concerns with him. He says she is not like that and feels he is doing nothing wrong. I am just so worried. Her mother is encouraging the relationship which makes it even harder to convince him it is not a good idea. How do you handle this?
Kevin A. Thompson December 29, 2013
Deanna, thanks for the question. A few thoughts: I’m not sure how much you can do since your son is 21. You can love and encourage but he is responsible for his own decisions. I do know a few relationships like this which have ended up working. I would do everything you can to assist your son and his girlfriend to make wise choices. Love them and see what happens. If the relationship ends, don’t say I told you so. With any relationship your son might have, always ask, “what can I control and what can I not control?” Focus on what you can control and pray that he will make wise choices.
Lauren May 23, 2014
This article helped me to be able to sleep. My 23-year old daughter, her boyfriend, and my 7-month old granddaughter are being evicted and will be homeless next week. After being enabled by well-meaning relatives, they have squandered all their resources, including jobs and now their home. My daughters answer is to run to Florida to live with two extremely dysfunctional half-sisters and their collective eight children, many of whom have problems. It is a nightmare I never expected from a series of poor choices on my daughters part, as her father never showed her love or attention. Now he throws money at every situation, and she absorbs it like a sponge. All I can do is release myself from the bondage of the pain. I have nowhere to turn, but Jesus.
Kevin A. Thompson May 23, 2014
Lauren, I’m so sorry for your pain, but it sounds like you are on the right track.
Rebecca June 30, 2014
I have done everything i can for my adult daughter. Her being the baby we let her get away with alot we wouldnt the other two. now its biting us in the butt so to speak. she is constantly making bad choices regarding men, taking care of her two girls and just life in general. If we try to talk to her about the problems screams and cusses and basically tells us to get out of her business. She makes it our business when she is constantly moving back home and moving out, constantly getting evicted and always in some sort of distress. Never a peaceful moment, Im at the point where i dread the phone ringing. She has now left husband number 3 and is back living with us yet still continuing to mess with him. He’s a convicted felon, habitual thief, drug addict but thats the kind of people she has around her children. The kids are acting out due to their circumstances and are totally disrespectful to us as well. I can handle them but Im tired of the disrespect from my adult daughter. Im at my wits end and looking for answers…I know that i have to let go but its easier said than done. She disrespects my home too. If anyone wants to weigh in on this i would appreciate it. Thank you for your time
Cindy F. November 26, 2014
I don’t have all the answers, but want you to know that we are in a similar predicament. I do think that she (also our daughter) should not live with you. My question would be what does one do about the children?
MJ May 9, 2015
I too, am going through the same situation, and it is hell.
“Adult,” daughter has started to see a 21 year old felon, she is 36 and has a son that is 13.
They are planning to move in together. Breaks my heart to know she is headed down the wrong road, and taking her son with her. How do you save a child from his own mother?
patricia June 2, 2015
There is a time when parents need to do the hard love hand with their kids even if they are adults.
To ignore is not to fix but is to neglect ones child and job as a parent.
To pay debts of your child because of their carelessness as an adult teaches them to do it more as they know you will continue to pay their mistakes.
To ignore the lies, abuse verbal and physical, the attention seeking and guilt trips, is to prolong the behavior not fix it.
Always remember if as a parent you do all the above and expect a meraculous positive change is the wrong approach. All this will do is pave the way for the next generation becoming and doing all the above because that is all they will see and learn.
This will breed resentment, disgust, neglect, and dishonesty within any child that is born into a life of a person whos parents never taught the meaning of hard love.
To me the meaning of hard love is:
I will not bail you out, but i will show you the right steps to take to better yourself.
I will not pay money for your carelessness but i will make sure that you will pay the money with giving you my guidance.
I will not take your abuse physical or verbal any longer ,
But i will get the help you need to control your outbursts.
I will not be made to feel guilty because it makes you feel better for things you may have done,
But i will get someone with qualifications to help you and you can attention seek with them.
I will not listen to your lies as a parent i am not a fool, but i will make you accountable for every lie that passed your lips.
This is hard love, in my eyes if a parent fails to teach this and use it they neglect their duty as a parent to show their children what is right, what is just and what is fair.
To not do th3 above paves the way for all,
Addicts, abusers, liars, rapists and murderers because all the above breed hatred, resentment, violence, stealing, lies, and untrustworthyness on all levels.
I am a parent and i have made mistakes but i have taught my children tough love and i can say that i am proud of who they are, how they live and who they have become because they are decent and good role models for their children and for anyone else that may need help or guidance because of the faults that others have inflicted.
Glory to God July 28, 2015
Pastor my 20 almost 21 year old young adult son got in trouble with the law for dating an underage girl, he tells me, he meant to harm and that he loved her. Also told me, by dating a younger girl, he felt he was still a child and refused to feel like an adult. I had to flight to the state to where he got in trouble. my question to you is: I`ve been by his side for 3 weeks and put everything on hold for him. Do I stay with him? do I go back to my partner and my life back home? should I just stick around until I know what is going to happen? I`m so confused. Please help me.
Kevin A. Thompson July 28, 2015
I’m sorry but I do not know enough about the situation to comment. It might be wise to contact a counselor in order for you to put together a game plan.
Glory to God July 28, 2015
I meant to say He meant No harm.
Hilda December 3, 2015
Thank you for the great article. We have a 23 yr old daughter that asked if she could move home after deciding to leave her SSA lifestyle and partner. We were so excited to see answered prayer. She is home, has a job, pays for her car/ins, cell phone and expenses. She does not pay for rent or groceries. She loves to cook and will sometimes come in with groceries because she wants to cook for the family. Sometimes she will call to ask if we need anything from the store and will pick it up on her way home.
Our issue is that on average, she spends 3-4 nights of the week out till 3, 4 or 5am. On 2 occasions she stayed out all night. After the first incident we wrote out a list of house rules addressing not only some things we wanted to bring to her attention but also some for our 16 yr old daughter and for myself and my husband in an effort to make the house rules about the whole family. We didn’t want her to feel like we were picking on her. We explained that these were not rules with consequences but more guidelines by which we could show consideration for each other since we all lived together. And we pointed out that our hope was that we would all be respectful of each other by following the house rules.
Well as I said she stayed out all night a 2nd night after calling us to say she and her friends were having a sleepover at a friend’s house. We explained that we felt it was a bad idea knowing her struggle with SSA to participate in sleepovers and wasn’t that a bit inappropriate for their age anyway? This week she called at 4:30am to say the she had left her car keys in the car of a friend and didn’t have a way home. Not sure if that was really the case or if it was a ploy to stay out all night with another friend. My husband went to pick her up. Our concern is what she may (or may not) be doing at those hours of the night/morning. That she may either be working to cultivate another SSA relationship or maybe already in one and is hiding it.
The therapist suggested we add consequences to the house rules. But how do we discipline her? We can’t ground her from her car, phone or friends? At least I don’t feel like we can when she pays for her own car and phone. Anyway, short of giving an ultimatum, which I fear would certainly make her run into another SSA relationship if she isn’t doing that already, what sort of consequences would be appropriate?
Thanks you,
Hilda
Carmen R March 17, 2016
I have a 25 year old daughter who has never picked a proper boyfriend. It’s been 8 years of a roller coaster ride with her. Her last boy friend had mental health issues she never picked up on. A few days after she broke up with him he committed suicide. Which he had planned out. I know his suicide is not my daughters fault however I do believe she played with his emotions since that is a pattern of hers over the years. The suicide affected our entire family. We were devastated that this young man would take her life and to know that my daughter could have been on his mind. Was so painful. Days after her last boy friends burial I was told she was talking to a new boy friend. Turns out it’s true and he now lives with her and his two children also spend certain weekends there. This has all become to much to bare. We barely speak she does not want to hear how her choices and decisions have made us all feel as a family. I have come to the conclusion that I really need to forgive my daughter for the past eight years I feel so hurt and just don’t know how to like her and can’t understand why she is like this. I know I need to love her but God has to help me do that. I’m so angry with her.
Heather March 21, 2016
Thank you for your article. I try hard to read every article and take something from it. It’s hard to know that you are a parent of young children, are young yourself, and yet you give advice about parenting adult children….I mean no disrespect, but I feel that you don’t have life experience to back you up. But…I admit…I haven’t read your bio, maybe you are well educated on the subject – and therefore, I read intently with an open mind and heart. Because lets face it…when you get to a point like I have , you will take ANY advice you can get.
But what about when you raise your children the best you possibly can, you have been a great role model (no drugs/alcohol, home at night to read and have one on one time…you were active in school activities…enrolled them in extracurricular sports…..managed their basketball team and soccer teams….was firm…but fun. Hugged them regularily….told them you loved them….didn’t enable…provided consequences……did everything that you were “supposed” to do……..and ….at 17 yrs old….just before their 18th birthday……..they run away. To their girlfriends home…..where they tell her mom that they are not understood at home….where they say that they are verbally abused and neglected………where they swear that if they can’t stay there, they are going to the streets. And that mom……believes them. And although keeping open communication with us because we are worried out of our minds…..tells us that they are protecting our child from “whatever is going on in that house”………and after 3 months…….when my child is now 18yrs old…..has graduated highschool without us involved……has now smoked weed and drinks and is more consumed with his friends than ever…………now comes home. …. a different person. How do you reconcile that?
He is now 19 yrs old. He is not allowed to smoke in our house (absolutely no drugs!!!)….but will go to the front porch to smoke cigarettes……..to, what seems, rub it in our face.
He is a different person. He has attempted suicide 3 times. He is depressed. I won’t turn him away….he needs me. I love him to pieces…..and I think he loves me….and I think he knows that I love him……but how do you get him to change his ways ….without interfering?
I believe he is home because he does know the error of his ways…..and I believe deep down he WANTS to change………but he is so head strong and so determined …..that I fear that he is is own worst enemy.
It seems like everything changed in one weekend. I’m told to just provide him with a good role model……..I’ve done that………I’m told don’t enable him……….I don’t do that………….I feel like I do everything that I am supposed to do……..and all I want is proof that the person that we raised is in there somewhere. What do you do when the innocence is lost….and you start to feel resentment?
Kevin A. Thompson March 23, 2016
Sadly, you can’t make the decisions for him. One thought–when you start to feel resentment for the good you have done, it can be a sign of codependency. Maybe read Co-Dependent No More just to see if that describes you or not.
Lisa April 27, 2016
My 21 year old daughter is married and her husband just asked her for a divorce. I just found out that she admitted that she recently cheated on him. I am beyond disappointed with her actions…i am pissed of at her actions. Her bio-dad cheated on me…her uncle (her dad’s brother) cheated…her grandfather (her dad’s dad) cheated….I know how much it caused pain for her and all of those involved…..I don’t have the right words right now for her…
Kevin A. Thompson April 27, 2016
I’m sorry Lisa. Maybe during this time you focus on supporting her and not giving her your opinion. Chances are, she knows your thoughts.
Lisa April 28, 2016
This is the approach I have taken. I am abiding by the “if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all” rule. I don’t want my anger to spew out…
Anna Irvin May 1, 2016
I have a thirty six yrs. old daughter and a twenty six yrs. old son. My daughter has her master’s degrees. Psychology.But choices to take care of her was boyfriend /now husband they’ve been together 11yrs.Out of the 11yrs he may be worked 3yrs. off &on. Hasn’t worked now in about the last 3yrs. She takes care of him like a baby, buying him everything, now they have a baby SON 9 mos. old, now she’s taking care of both of them. My son went to school for culinary arts school.Didn’t like that field of work so he does waiter work, he decided to move to California to be homeless, first living on the streets, now he lives in his car. He says this is his dream to make it in California, he’s had some bad things happen to him health wise but still refuses to come home. I’ve helped him out with money a few times. I’m worried about his health mental & physical, my hair is white as snow. My Son does continue to work, but remains living in his car.
Jacquelyn May 4, 2016
My son now 19 managed to get himself kicked out of a service academy at the end of his first year.
His attitude has been negative there since day one. His behavior is concerning because he had a choice to leave in good terms. My husband and I told him after the first year it is his decision to stay or go. So why would he sabotage himself and continually disrespect the rules and restrictions given to them by his superiors?
He will be coming home soon and I have other children at home to care for. I am starting to write up new house rules that I have to enforce. I am fearful of the negativity that will be entering my home when he arrives. He now smokes cigarettes which I highly loathe and has Been disrespectful to me and his father. Does not foster a relationship with his siblings. And acts like he does not care about anything. However I know he does, I know he feels like a failure. But prole that di not know him do not see it. He shows bad character. Why would he continue to break the rules once he was caught?
I am not sure how to handle this and the effects it will have on my family.
Kevin A. Thompson May 4, 2016
It sounds like you are on the right track–make clear house rules and be stern with them. Anyone who doesn’t live by them, doesn’t live in the house.
x August 17, 2016
There is no such thing as an “adult child.” If they are legal age, you unfortunately have no say in their decisions, nor should you. If they are an adult, stop treating them like a child, and let them screw up and make their own mistakes. (And accept that just because they don’t do things the way you do, doesn’t mean they are doing them wrong.) Stop enabling them, and push them out of the nest….”adult children” are made by parents who can’t let go.
Patty August 20, 2016
So glad I found this website! My 22 year old son, the youngest of five has suffered from depression and anxiety, along with panic disorder. Before he moved out last year, he was hospitalized 3 times for threatening suicide, arrested once for battery (picked a fight with a stranger in a restaurant), started selling marijuana (which his dad and I had put to a stop by telling him he’d have to move out and return his cell phone and car we pay for) and on and on. He moved out last summer to share an apartment with some friends, got a lifeguarding job, and enrolled in college. He started going to the gym to help him manage his anger issues and regularly took his anti-anxiety meds. He’d call regularly and during visits, he looked great and sounded great. But 8 weeks ago he visited me to let me know that he had fallen for a girl – but she was a recovering heroin addict and felon who is still on probation. In 2 short months, our son has lost 20 pounds, stopped going to the gym, dropping out of college, stopped seeing friends, etc. because he’s spending days and nights shuttling this girl to methodone clinics and N.A. groups and taking care of her. He tells me he feels like he’s “helping her”. Last weekend she relapsed and our son completely fell apart (hysterical crying, angry out-burtsts, beat up the guy who gave her the drugs,etc.). Thank God the girl’s mom shipped her off to a 90 day rehab far away. In the meantime, he seems determined to wait for her. His former girlfriend of 3 years was a stunning lady (think Kardasian), super-smart and ambitious. This one has been in and out of jail since she was 16 (she’s 21), an addict since she was 14, and pierced, tattooed, purple hair – you get the picture. So my question is, how do I support our son? What do I say when he calls? I am dying a little inside with grief over the choices he’s making.
Kevin A. Thompson August 25, 2016
Not sure what you can do other than love him as he makes his own decisions. It might come to a point where you have made your opinion about the relationship known to where you just no longer talk about it. Maybe just focus on your relationship with him. I wish I had more.
vicki November 2, 2016
Hi Kevin. My 26 yr old son continued to use drugs while on probation and now has been caught. (3rd time) he is looking at possible jail/prison time. Money for a good attorney is the only hope for him when it comes to doing the time. possibly 5 years without an attorney or 1 year with one. He is trying to come up with the money himself. He has a 4 yr old daughter and the thought of being gone that long is devastating. my question is, if he falls short of coming up with the money, do I help him?