Sep 102013 20 Responses

Drama Addicts (or Why Your Best Friend Is Always Stressed)

Some people are addicted to drama. It’s a drug which triggers a part of their brains causing them to crave the activity.

They claim they hate drama as they call you, post on Facebook, and tell the latest tale to anyone willing to listen.

They are like meth addicts who claim to hate the stuff even as their teeth fall out, their skin ages, and they no longer resemble their driver’s license photo.

Early in my ministry, I was helping a woman who was living in a chaotic situation. She had made some bad choices and the consequences of those choices were difficult. She had surrounded herself with bad people and was suffering because of it. But over time, we worked though some things and all the drama of her life settled down. (See: A Checklist to Gauge Your Emotional Health)

Two months later she was back in my office. She had repeated the same choices as before. Despite all the work to escape the drama, she had run right back to it.

Foolishly, we began the process over. After weeks of hard work and navigating several tough issues, she was free. But of course, a few months later she called again.

I finally realized, it didn’t matter how many times I helped this woman, she would always repeat the decisions to get back into a chaotic situation.

It was the only life she knew. Like a person in bankruptcy who wins the lottery only to lose it all again, this woman did not know how to live a life of peace.

If given the choice of peace or drama, she would choose drama all the while claiming she hated the drama.

Like many people, she was addicted to the drama. She couldn’t help herself. Without serious intervention, help, and a great deal of work, she would forever seek, find, or create drama.

If drama often finds you, it might be worth asking: Why?

Of course, drama is a part of life. Every office, social group, family, or any gathering of people will have episodes of drama—crises will arise, conflict will occur, tension will build. Drama in this life is guaranteed. (See: I Know Who Is In Charge of Your Family)

Yet continual drama is not a natural consequence of life. A normal flow of peaceful times and chaotic times should be expected. Rare seasons of frequent turmoils are normal. But at some point, an overwhelming amount of drama could be a signal, not that drama is finding us but, that we are finding it.

Here are a few common characteristics of Drama Addicts:

1. An uncanny ability to see conflict even when it doesn’t exists. Generally speaking, you will find what you are looking for. Look for peace and you will find it. Look for conflict and you will find it. Drama addicts are constantly looking for their drug, and so, they often find it.

2. An inability to stay out of conflict even when it isn’t their business. Healthy people have the ability to know if a conflict is their business or not. A drama addict sees every conflict as something in which they have to involve themselves and take sides. The are unable to realize that most conflict which we experience is not our business and does not require our involvement. The first question anyone should ask when facing a situation is: “Is this my responsibility?” Most often the answer is “no.” (See: When a Baby Cries in a Restaurant, Rejoice)

3. A belief that a state of drama, and not a state of peace, should be the norm. Most drama addicts believe if they are experiencing peace, something must be wrong. They are surprised by it. They are uncomfortable with it. This uneasiness is what causes them to seek out problems or even create them. They simply do not know how to handle an absence of drama so they will unconsciously create it.

The problem with being addicted to drama is the same problem as any other addiction, it doesn’t satisfy. It is exhausting. It’s a horrible way to live.

Thankfully, life doesn’t have to be this way.

There are other options.

You can live a life:

  • with a small amount of drama which doesn’t overwhelm you
  • with a deep satisfaction of life and your relationships
  • with an ability to help others without taking on their problems
  • with an ability to feel empathy for others without feeling overwhelmed
  • with proper boundaries

All of this is possible. But to live this way will require you to admit you have a problem, understand you are powerless over it, and seek assistance in living a radically different life.

Everyone faces drama in life. Seasons come and seasons go. Yet if you find yourself facing an unusual amount of drama on a regular basis, it might be time to get help.

If you live in the Greater Fort Smith Region, a great start in recovering from Drama Addiction is found on Thursday nights at Celebrate Recovery.

20 Responses to Drama Addicts (or Why Your Best Friend Is Always Stressed)
  1. Denise Reply

    I have found that drama addicts are not necessarily surprised by a period of peace, but are always waiting for the “rug” to be pulled out from under them. They don’t trust the peace and quiet times.

    This is a great message that I easily relate to because I see it taking place so often where I work. I plan on printing off a copy of this and using it as a handout for a lot of people. Thank you.

  2. Shawna Reply

    I appreciated this article very much, but one question I have is: In ministry, what is the best way to help the Drama Addict? They keep coming back with the same problems, and continuing to “be there for them” seems like enabling them.

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      That’s a great question Shawna and one I struggle with. In the case listed in the article, I finally had to tell the person I couldn’t help them anymore because she would only listen to me when in trouble, but wouldn’t listen when I offered advice to stay out of trouble–hence the drama addiction. For me that is the test. If someone continues to seek wise council in trying to make good decisions to prevent trouble as much as they listen when trying to get out of trouble.

  3. Michelle Reply

    This couldn’t have come at a better time. Thank you for this article. My husband and I have just eliminated a piece of our lives that was a constant pull at our peace. We feel free!!!!

  4. Judy Anthony Reply

    Treating this problem is what Al-Anon or other 12 step groups such as Adult Children of Alcoholics are all about.

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  6. ann vasquez Reply

    I think you are very unqualified to help her. She sounds like a borderline personality disorder person and they need specialized help. Your tone is a bit judgmental. I suggest you read up on it. You probably encounter them frequently in your work and knowing about it and the very successful treatments that have been developed would help you do a better job. Dialectical Behavior Therapy is very successful in treating these individuals who are the way they are because of a combination of genetics. (they are highly sensitive) and invalidating environments. They don’t choose to be BPD and cannot choose not to be but can learn emotionally self regulate. They choose the chaos partly because it validates them due to their poor and incomplete self concepts. I have to say I am bothered by religious pastors who counsel who do not have basic psychological training. There are also very specific ways to respond to BPD that help the person and those who love them. The technique of validation would be a good thing for you to learn and teach.

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      Great news Ann, I don’t do counseling. I agree with you, pastors do not have the training to do professional counseling. Even having a basic background in it, I do not feel qualified and so I quickly refer to others See: http://test.kevinathompson.com/pastor-premarital/
      I assume there is much debate over the diagnosis of BPD, but I have a hard time believing this woman would have fit the description since she met very few of the criteria for that diagnosis. But I don’t know what happened since I moved soon after referring this woman to a counselor. I’m intrigued as to why you assume I haven’t studied validation techniques and do not use them.

  7. Laura Reply

    I don’t deal with drama very well I tend to just get up and walk out. I have lived a life that my violent past has given me PTSD So when Drama starts I just say I’m outa here when you guys get over this crap call me.

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  9. Jane Reply

    I have a friend that’s just like the lady in the story above. Her life is very chaotic and full of crisis after crisis, problems after problems, emergencies after emergencies. And when things seem to have finally settled and calmed down, suddenly she has another crisis and problems that has to be taken care of urgently. And the problems go from issues with men, legal dramas, family dramas, problems with friends, health problems, money problems, work problems etc. And these problems has been going on for years CONTINOUSLY without almost any break in within. She creates some of the major problems in her life because of the bad choices she made in her life that comes from her own bad judgement but what really annoys me is that she keeps blaming the problems on other people in her life without realizing that it was her own choices that she made that put her and other people in a chaotic situation even when the people who care about her and close to her had warned her and had tried to stop her from making the wrong decisions and going down the wrong path. But I guess some people are just addicted to drama and therefore they (un)consciously become drama magnets. When there’s nothing dramatic going on in their lives then they’d create problems and make themselves to look like victims to get people’s attentions and for people to take pity on them so the whole world would revolve around them and their never ending problems of their own creations.

    • Sarah T Reply

      Hi Jane, Your friend sounds like she is lacking in the maturity department. Mature (and non self absorbed) people do not blame their problems on others (poor me syndrome). They own up. You can’t stop others from making bad decisions. At the most, you can voice concern or choose not to hear the latest saga…

      Drama addicts get some positive reward/benefit such as receiving attention or pity from others. They will stop trying to have you as their audience if you don’t pay them attention.

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  13. Tim Hearn Reply

    wait, you don’t do counseling? I read your blog daily because you are my counselor!

    • Kevin A. Thompson Reply

      That’s okay Tim, you are messed up enough that I can’t make it much worse. Ha.

  14. JD Reply

    Living with Mrs Drama

    This is a short story about living with Mr.or Mrs. Drama. I write it because it helps me deal with my sanity. Are you trapped? Do you live with a pet called drama and this pet has no interest in leaving or running way? It’s a pet that thrives on your presence and demands your participation whether you like it or not..

    Dictionary.com says drama is, “any situation or series of events having vivid, emotional, conflicting, or striking interest or results.”

    Webster says it’s a “state, a situation, or series of events involving interesting or intense conflict of forces.”

    Ok so now we know what kind of animal is living in the pet cage in our back yard waiting to get out at the first chance or opening of the door. We are not psychiatrists and have no idea how to deal with the constant but sometimes sporadic emergence of this pet into our peaceful lives.

    All we know is that its our pet and like other pets we can live with it if we just know how. Living with a drama person is like living with a seed wart on the bottom of your foot. No matter how much soaking in Epsom salt, or how much time with a heat pad, or how much magic cream, or how much massaging we apply to the wart it doesn’t stop hurting or causing pain until the seed wart decides to stop completely on its own with no suggesting or coaxing from you.

    Do yourself a favor, do not, do not compare your drama person to a seed wart. Only us non drama persons are privy to that. Its an ugly comparison but its simple and to the point and probably as accurate an explanation as was ever penned.

    Drama lives within some humans and no-one, meaning mostly me, really knows where it came from or to what end it presents. The dramatic person probably does not understand why the pet comes out of its cage but does experience some kind of gratification when this happens. The drama can begin by an ongoing existing situation but if there is none actually present at the time the need for drama arrives, a situation is delicately created. It could be a harsh word, or a yelling at the cat incident, or the honking of the car horn or the throwing of a cell phone across the room or anything like that. . It doesn’t matter what the incident is, it’s the key to the pets cage and when the door is open the dramatic event begins.

    The curtain goes up and the play begins with the soft song of sorrow. This is when audience’s participation is required. Drama itself cannot exist without an audience unless the host has multiple personalities. In this case only a padded room is required.

    So if drama is like a seed wart what is to be done to rid our lives of this thing. Seed warts require removal with surgery or even removing the entire foot will work. Other than that we are trapped. If we participate in the drama it will not leave until it wants to. If we ignore it, its like placing a piece of black coal on the fire to remain there and glow when there is a draft. One thing that might work is to get on your knees and beg for forgiveness and promise to never doubt the existence of drama again. Of course you know that your promise is a good one but the drama pet has promised nothing. And even if there is a promise by the drama pet, it’s really not the pet speaking. If you don’t agree, just ask the pet.

  15. Hanifa Reply

    Sometimes people that crave drama and chaos also like to go off into unnecessary tangents when explaining any matter. All this leads to is confusion and eventually people who cannot afford to waste their time have to get rid of you and cut you off.

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