Every lie tells a truth.
As we deceive in one area of life, a truth is revealed about another area.
Lying in marriage reveals the true unhealthiness of the relationship. A lie doesn’t mean the whole relationship is unhealthy, but it does show an area of serious concern.
Left unchecked, small lies become a growing cancer which can destroy any relationship, especially marriage. (See: Find the Lie, Name the Truth)
Few people lie with an ill intent.
- We lie because it feels easier.
- We lie because we are trying to protect others.
- We lie because we are afraid of the truth.
While spouses lie about many things, most lies fit one of the following categories.
Beware of the following lies in marriage:
Lies of Location: Except for the possible planning of a surprise party or trip, I should never have to lie to my wife about where I have been or where I am going. Lying about either of these issues reveals an area of my life in which I am intentionally trying to cut out my wife. She is the most important person in my life. Cutting her out can only be done for negative reasons.
Lies of Communication: My wife should be aware of every form of communication available to me. I should never have a secret email account or an unknown cell phone number. While my job requires certain elements of confidentiality, I do not hide whom I’m speaking with. There is no reason to have secret conversations with others which my wife cannot find out about. Lies of location and communication are the two greatest warning signs of adultery. If you find your spouse lying about either, make an appointment with a counselor. (See: Two Steps to Solving 90% of Relationship Problems)
Lies of Finance: One of the most surprising elements of doing funerals over the past decade is the number of unknown loans, debts, bank accounts, and other financial issues which come out after the death. I never knew the number of people who make secret transactions without the knowledge or consent of their spouse. A financial lie is often a lie of extreme childishness. Unwilling or unable to come to a common ground with our spouse over a financial decision, we act like an 8–year-old and steal the cookie when we think no one is looking. Instead of lying, work on communication and negotiation. If you and your spouse still cannot agree on a purchase, don’t make the purchase. (See: Do Not Commit Financial Adultery)
Lies of Feelings: The most common lies seem innocent. Saying, “I don’t care” when you actually do. Saying, “that’s fine,” when it’s actually not. These lies conceal how we truly feel. As I’ve written before, it’s not my job to read your mind. Loving someone doesn’t mean we have the ability to predict how they feel at every moment. Communication is necessary. If we do not tell the truth about what we think and how we feel, true intimacy cannot take place. Lying about feelings reveals that we don’t trust our spouses enough to show them who we actually are. It’s a warning sign of a relationship which isn’t as healthy as it might appear. True intimacy allows us to reveal our true selves to our spouses and know we will be loved.
We lie because we think lying is easier. It will get us what we want without anyone being hurt.
And it often works….for a time.
Yet eventually, lies are discovered.
Hearts are hurt.
Relationships are broken.
Trust is shattered.
Lying might be easier in the moment but it’s more difficult in the long haul.
That’s why it is vital to tell the truth.
- Even when it’s hard.
- Even when it’s not convenient.
- Even when you think you can get away with it.
One of the responsibilities of marriage is to tell the truth.
It might be difficult in the moment, but it will pay great rewards over a lifetime.
Good marriages are built on the truth.
13 Responses to Four Lies to Never Tell Your Spouse
Maureen October 22, 2014
This is so true it is surprising that you find lies even in Christian Marriages and even with Pastor`s especial with all these social medias.
Kevin A. Thompson October 22, 2014
Maureen, thanks for reading and for the comments. I’m intrigued, why is it “surprising that you find lies even in Christian marriages and even with pastor’s?” It seems like the gospel doesn’t make that surprising at all.
deelmo October 22, 2014
I think most men lie because they are too proud. They don’t want their wives to know that that they failed again. Most men lie about sexual things, like masturbation and pornography. They lie to protect their SELF, not others. For a wife, these are these worst lies. The ones that break the heart. And break the trust, respect, and admiration that they once felt towards their husbands. Masturbation and pornography show the the wife what kind of person the man truly is. Those two things reveal more about him than any other ‘lie’ or mistake he has or will ever make.
Jodi April 28, 2015
I have been married to my husband for 20 years. He has always had a problem with lying from day one. It is truly destroying the trust I have in him. He is aware of the problem, but time and time again I am having to face the same issues. The sad thing is that he lies about things about things that should be easy to tell the truth. I am now believing that his actions prove to me the lack of love and respect he has for me.
Alex May 7, 2015
I have been married for 9 years and my husband has regularly lied to me about the 4 subjects you have highlighted. This is despite us seeing marriage counsellors, where he has ‘committed’ to stop being dishonest. He says he lies because he doesn’t want to deal with my reactions, but there would be no reaction if he told the truth. Even when caught out, he still lies, leaving me unsure of where he has been and with whom. I almost never get the true story, rather him defending his actions. He makes me feel like it is my fault that he lies, and that’s what hurts the most. Like Jodi in her earlier post, I too believe his lying proves the lack of love and respect he has for me. The BIG question I have is how, where and when to draw the line? We have young children, and they are picking up on his dishonesty often begging him to just tell the truth. It breaks my heart, but clearly it’s not enough for him to change.
puppynumber7 June 3, 2015
I found out 2 years ago that my husband of 30 years was lying to me about drinking (he has a drinking problem). He has continued to lie about it to me and his family, making out that I am to blame for his having to lie. I always thought he was a straight-up kind of guy, but have found out that he’s not, which is a bit of a shock. Now I wonder what other lies he has told me. He makes me feel worthless and unwanted. He is now drinking in the open instead of lying about it. But he is still lying to me – yesterday I asked if we won any Lotto on our ticket and he said No. He didn’t know it but I had taken a photocopy of the ticket – I checked for myself and we had won $75. I asked him why he keeps lying but again, he said it is my fault because he wants to have money that I don’t know about. He said he can’t buy me a present without me knowing about it (I do the accounts because he doesn’t want to). I said why not withdraw cash and just tell me you are keeping it? Why lie?
lana July 9, 2015
Well, 36 wedding anniversaries under our belt…
My husband has been physically attractive facially and in his fitness.
We have good jobs, our home is paid for, our children have families gifting us with grandchildren.
Now his frame has a ponch out front and a nose that is becoming bulbous and purple. His drinking began out of the blue in 2006, ended abruptly with a serious motorcycle accident in 2010.
But in the last 10 months, not only is it beer but whisky, and lies.
I am thinking perhaps Pinochio is an allegory of drunken liars, the nose grows with every lie.
We are still paying on medical debt from 2010, his alcohol expenditures were 300.00 a month prior to the accident on just beer alone. Not sure what it is now with 50.00 bottles of whiskey on top of the beer.
One lie, two lies three lies in the last couple months call all 36 years of what I supposed was based on trust into a sinking sand pit.
Wow, who am I, who are we?
How did this happen and how do we measure worth in dishonesty, and to think we are people of faith in the CREATOR…
Hmmm…
Jude October 30, 2015
Wow! The people writing sound so like my husband & I. Feeling less respected, sad, alone & unsure of what to do. He just always says “Calm down!.. Nothing gets resolved. This lying has been happening since the eve of our wedding. 26-1/2 years ago. I just feel exhausted from it all. Our boys are grown now. I’m thinking of leaving but don’t really want to.
Jude here.
Angela November 17, 2015
Maureen I have or thought I had a Christian marriage, but my husband had lied to me for 7 years. I thought he would change because he convinced me it was just a gambling addiction, and swore to GOD he’d never deceive me again. I’ve had this gut feeling something wasn’t right for years, but he convinced me I was going crazy. He recently admitted to a “friendship ” with a female coworker that he kept from me. He blames me saying that he was afraid I would get upset. I kept thinking how could he be this liar if he knows God. He and I had been deepening our relationship with Christ ,or so I thought. But, I finally looked back over our marriage, and prayed for eyes to see and hears to hear God’s truth in all things. What I saw by looking back was very painful to acknowledge, and still hurts deeply. My husband is a sociopath. There are many out there, and some use God as a cover. More than one can imagine. The reason they use God is because it’s a masterful way to gain someone’s (or everyone’s) trust. I can’t understand why he has done these things to someone he claimed to love, but praise God I can’t think like the monster he is. It was heart wrenching to discover this, but also it was a relief. I spent years thinking I wasn’t good enough, and just looking for answers. Nothing makes sense when you are married to a sociopath. I’m trying to plan how to salvage what little I have left, and get myself and my kids out of here. Wish you luck .
Shawn July 15, 2016
Well ladies, I am one of those husbands who is selfish, prone to instant gratification, porn addicted, who acts as if the “rules / laws” don’t necessarily appy to him or his motivations. I have become a habitual liar, something I truly hate in others. I am probably borderline sociopath, definately passive-aggressive and fearful is probably the best word, or cowardly. My wife “blows up” as my procrastination and “princely” attitude keeps putting us in bad situations. I am afraid of telling my wife when I’ve let her down in some way, not just because of my own self esteem but also because I truly don’t want to hurt her emotionally so I lie or withhold the truth until it is impossible to deny any longer. The last job I lost (looking at porn at work) I actually pretended to go to work as usual for about a week (I was actively looking for another job, hoping to find one before my wife found out about being fired.) I’ve been fired from every job I’ve had since I was 18 (or laid off, but only because I deserved to be fired), but somehow manage to land on my feet as my 1st wife used to say, and keep from falling into complete ruin but those in my life – Wife, ex-wife, Children, Parents, In-Laws, they all suffer more than I do. Anyhow, this isn’t a confessional, I just wanted to thank you for what you have written here in the comments section. It probably won’t change me but I do want to stop. If your husbands have anything in common with me, they are not actively or consciously trying to hurt you. It is just the results of our selfishness, not accepting our responsibility as an adult, as a husband, as a father, as a man…
Best wishes to you,
Calmly address his problems with the focus on improving communication. We have difficulty dealing with anything looking or sounding hysterical – that pushes us away. Don’t forgive until our actions earn such forgiveness, but also don’t “beat a dead horse” with the same record playing over and over. I don’t know – just thinking out loud here.
tiffany hyt August 27, 2016
Thank you Shawn for sharing. I appreciate that at the very least you can take responsibility for your actions. Also the tip on getting hysterical. I experience horrible anxiety and when my husband (if you can even call him that) hurts me it sends me into an awful panic attack which eventually leads to hysteria because he keeps kicking and spitting on me emotionally when I’m at my lowest. I know it only makes him behave enough worse towards me almost as if he gets off on the pain he is inflicting. I despise divorce and expressed that before ever getting married. I never thought I would consider it but if I don’t have respect for myself how can I expect anyone else to? What I’m most upset w is that he has backed me into a position to have to go against my morals. My feelings for him personally have become in different and non existent
ed December 14, 2016
My husband has lied his whole life. He is very good at it and he knows no other way, so his lies are who he is. It is a natural thing for him. Of course he is so good at it, that I did not realize the lies until several years into the marriage. ” My ex girlfriend stole my mail and caused me to get into a financial bind ruining my credit”. “We will get out of it because of all the money I earn”. Ten years later and no ex girlfriend in sight, he spends every dime he earns, and has for years. He has no savings, no investments and no 401k. Early in our relationship I was duped (out of love) and he went through my savings and I took out a home equity line of credit on my home for him. I have since learned my lesson and have been able to rebuild my finances.
He loans people money (thousands of dollars) to be the good guy, and we have two mortgages, a HELOC, two car loans, bills up the ying yang, and unpaid taxes. He denies lending people money….another lie. He gave all of our financial information, including copies of bank statements to a family member and co-signed an apartment lease behind my back. All this after he asked me for help to rebuild his credit. Needless to say I am still very upset about this family member having all of our financial information. I feel so violated and hurt by all of his actions, but especially this one. He’s always racking up credit card debt buying collectible items that stay in boxes because we have no where to put them. Excessively spending on clothes to the point where he has taken over three closets in the house, including mine. Sends people to expensive restaurants and certain family members of his call to say they’re going out to eat, so he’ll pay the $500 + meal. He says he has a problem saying no. His self gratification lifestyle comes first without the consideration of me or the marriage or our future. There is so much more that I did not even touch on, because I this would turn into a book. Bottom line, liars suck. I always kept it real.